


When the Universe Dissolves

by Mersayde



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Denial, M/M, Mention of Death, Pining, They/Them for Pidge, hurt mild comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 02:12:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15809223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mersayde/pseuds/Mersayde
Summary: shiro keeps disappearing.he isn’t coming back this time.grief sinks its teeth in and never lets go.





	When the Universe Dissolves

**Author's Note:**

> here's a [song](https://youtu.be/f9Ht08fu8Cw) to cry to.
> 
> blame [this](https://twitter.com/honeybea_x/status/1032440911094063104).

It’s been years.

Years since they last felt any trace of Shiro’s existence.

Years since anyone has seen him. Years since the goodbyes they never got the chance to say have faded.

When he first disappeared, it hurt them all. No one dared to utter the simple truth that was glaring them in the face, burning deep in their chest for their attention.

Shiro was **gone**.

They tiptoed around it, tried brushing it under the rug, tried approaching it with gentle tears. But soon, it became too much to hold onto, the hope became too hard to keep.

Most of the team felt Shiro’s loss deeply, mourned for him on their separate days, in their separate compartments. 

Hunk studied recipes, discovered new methods of weaseling in some semblance of taste into their food. Sometimes he’d poke at Pidge when they seemed frustrated. They’d lounge around and shoot ideas off one another, tried to figure out how to turn theory into practice.

He turns his back on the emptiness. Rage gripping him tight in its palm, he tries to burn a hole through it.

Pidge dove into mountains of equations, forced themselves to learn the oldened cultures of Altean society. Painfully skimming over anything that reminded them of what the team had lost.

 _Hope._ It seems as if Alteans had a lot of that.

The bitterness swirls around on their tongue and they try to swallow it down.

Lance followed Allura around, providing support neither admitted to needing. They talked about what they missed the most. For Lance, it was his family. He misses the shared dinners, the group hugs, and comfort of being surrounded by their warmth. For Allura is was her father, and the bright festivals that were held during harmonious seasons. She often spoke of her his ability to rule as much as he loved, or of how lively the castle could get; almost every citizen possible happily twirling along.

They ignore what the team has lost.

A beating heart; one that'll never get to miss the things it loved again. The sadness crawls over their skin, they try to shake it off.

Their silent ministrations seem to work for them, slowly, but surely. They were certain the weight would lift eventually.

But Keith, he would just sit, twirling his blade back and forth between his fingers.

Guilt thick within his bones. He tries to break it out of him. And if the team notices the extra bruises on his skin, and deep-set baggy eyes, they don't speak on it.

The other Paladins often find him staring at doors, breathing pained.

They realized that he's _waiting_.

Waiting for Shiro to walk through those doors, with a smile on his face. He was waiting to feel firm skin under his hands, waiting to see that happiness Shiro carried only in his eyes.

His heart yearned loudly in the echoing silence behind his ribs.

He waited.

He never let go.

Soon it became concerning.

While everyone else was moving on and trying to piece themselves back together, trying to fill the hole Shiro left, Keith stayed quiet. Tucked into himself, wrapping his pain around the small string of hope he had left.

Sometimes it felt as if he took everyone’s love for Shiro and shoved it inside his chest.

But they let him be, as long as it kept him standing.

 

It started with Allura.

 

“We need a new leader, a new Black Paladin.”

 

No one let the words sting as much as Keith. He flinched, he refused, he lashed out.

And when Black lights up around him, purring her acceptance along his skin, he screams.

 

 _No_.

 

Then Coran.

 

“Keith, we need you, it’s what Shiro would’ve wanted.”

 

Keith wanted to tell Coran to stop talking about Shiro as if he were _dead_ , as if he would never come back, as if he were something to be _replaced._

 

He wanted to punch a hole into the universe. Maybe then it’d feel his pain, maybe then it’d, for once, show him an ounce of mercy and give him back the things he loves. The things he’s missing.

But instead, he remembers what Shiro told him, knows that Coran isn't trying to offend, knows that this change is inevitable. And with a deep sigh, he accepts his new role.

 

Then Lance.

 

“I’m sorry about what I said before, you and Shiro were... close. It only makes sense that he’d want you to be with Black. He loved her, like he loved you.”

And Keith loses all his ability to breathe because,

 

One: Lance has never been so nice to him and it’s startling.

 

Two: He realizes he never got to say I love you. Not up front, not in a way that mattered.

 

And three:  _Loved_. Past tense. As in, _no longer._

 

_N o ._

 

It rattles something deep within him and he struggles to find his footing.

 

After that, a routine was set. Keith would go on. If he wanted to bring Shiro home, he would do it himself.

He gets up to train and eat, and only socializes if it’s to talk about how to defeat the Galra.

He never lets his thoughts wonder back to _him_.

**Never.**

 

He can’t let the pain take root just yet. Not when he has so much fight left in him.

But if Keith has ever known anything, it’s that he’s permanently tied to Shiro’s orbit.

The willed blissful ignorance doesn’t last him long, because before he even notices, he’s consumed with a nagging urge to _search_.

Shiro has disappeared before.

It brings him back to the shed. The deep calling of home, only a frequency he can hear.

He hates those memories, he hates that time.

He doesn’t want to go back there.

Doesn’t want to dig up his grief and sorrow.

Doesn’t want to remember how he had to find his hope under miles of dessert sand, how it was a constant fight to keep from collapsing.

But he listens to that call that strums on his loneliness with familiar ease. He follows the sound of broken promises. He listens for its untuned wails.

He treads along the path forged for him, he walks, and fights, and he pleads.

And _finally_ , the universe responds.

It brings Shiro back to him.

No, _he_ brought Shiro back.

And he can’t believe how easy it was to finally get to hold him again, to cherish him in a way his dreams never let him.

He ignores the warning signs.

He ignores the quick temper.

And deep frowns.

And the anger that he witnesses bubbling inside of his skin.

He’s been through a lot. Keith reminds himself that he just has to be patient, has to let Shiro adjust.

Then there’s the fight, and he finally gets to say those words he’s kept locked inside his throat, they come hurdling out from behind his teeth and _finally_ ,

he feels at home.

_**I love you.** _

He calls for him.

**_I died Keith._ **

And the look on Shiro’s face, surrounded by purple and blue abyss, is enough to bring him to his knees.

And it haunts Keith, for the rest of his life. He dreams of being so close, yet so far away.

Of Shiro slowly dissolving right before his eyes.

He screams.

This can’t be it.

But it _is_.

 

Pidge and Hunk turn to him one dark afternoon.

“Keith,” Pidge’s voice is soothing, teetering on motherly. “You have to let him go, we can’t—we can’t keep watching you do this to yourself.” And the look in their eyes tells Keith everything he needs to know.

They’ve given up.

Keith won’t.

He _can’t_.

“What if- what if I stop looking, stop holding onto him, when he comes back? What if he needs me, and I’m not there?” And it’s the first time Keith has opened up about it. About what he saw, about what Shiro told him, about his nightmares.

And Hunk wraps his arms around Keith so tight it’s almost enough to push him back together.

_Almost._

Hunk doesn’t let go.

Keith is grateful.

Pidge kisses his forehead and smiles. “Okay, you keep talking to us about him, about anything. And we’ll listen. But promise me, promise me that you’ll be okay—that you’ll work on being okay. “And it’s the closest thing Pidge gets to crying that night. He can see the gloss in their eyes, and hear the cracks in their voice. They tremble.

Shiro was Matt’s best friend. Pidge knew of him through his stories before Voltron. He was like a second brother to them.

Keith never asked anyone else how this hurt them too.

He feels guilty.

He nods with understanding.

He talks and they listen and they add in their anecdotes that cause Keith to smile so wide it feels as if his face is splitting into two.

He’s grateful.

He’s breathing.

But the fear never shifts.

He makes everyone announce when they’re leaving the room, it’s stupid. He knows, but when they see the tendrils of fear wrap around his eyes, they oblige.

He’s scared they’re going to leave and never come back.

Just like Shiro, just like the love of his life.

_“Shiro, please don’t leave me. I need you.”_

He begs. It’s honest and it hurts.

Shiro smiles tenderly.

_“It’s okay Keith. I’ll be back.”_

He says leaning down to drop a kiss that never reaches Keith’s lips, he fades; blends into the gloomy quintessence swirling around them faster than he can catch.

He slips away.

Forever.

And Keith wakes up with sweat clinging to his skin.

He’s made a promise.

He’ll keep trying.

He has to.

If not for his friends.

If not for himself.

Then for Shiro.

It’s a promise he intends to keep, even if it weakens with time.

Even if the universe continues to dissolve inside of him, even if he weeps in the deafening hole his heart no longer resides in.

He trudges toward the back corners of his mind, gently collecting his last bit of hope, and clutches it protectively in his hands.

 

_I'll bring you home, I'll bring you back to me._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first fic for VLD I hope it was okay? the timeline is wonky on purpose, cuz ya know healing/grieving/remembering isn't linear or concise and bc i'm too lazy to do proper reconnaissance so 
> 
> im terrible at accurate characterizations so constructive criticism is welcome!
> 
> I really love the idea that Pidge and Hunk are Keith’s closest friends after Voltrons introduced into their lives. I was a little upset that the team didn't mourn Shiro as I thought they should've? This piece was my very self indulgent angst.
> 
> Anyway, comments? questions? kudos?


End file.
